Not Me

The definition for the words strong and resilient are:

strong - able to withstand great force or pressure

resilient- the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties or toughness

Based on the history of my family, I can totally understand why the women had to be strong. The women in my family fought through some very tough times. Much of my mother's side of the family is from a rural part of Alabama. My great-grandmother and many of my great-aunts worked in cotton fields and were domestic help for white families. The women in my family worked hard for most of their lives and sacrificed for my cousins and I, so I can totally understand how and why being strong and resilient was passed on to me. However, I recently discovered that I have a high dislike for both of these words. For most of my life I have heard that the women in my family are strong. We stand up and push through whatever challenges or issues we face. For generations, the very essence of being strong has served us well, eh, for the most part.

From my perspective, for black women it is often impressed upon us from a young age to be strong, not to dwell on the past or the things that hurt us or cause us pain. We barely get to experience the impact of whatever that negative thing might be before we are told to move on or to get over it. We are to be strong. We are to be resilient. There was a time and place to be angry or to experience the pain and although I understood that time and place was not in front of others, I was never told when the time was or where the place might be. I am certain this has been the experience of many women of color and without the guidance or direction of the proper time and place, we hold on to the pain, we push down the hurt and we never make the connection to how negative experiences impact our daily lives. We push through, we carry on. For we are strong and we are resilient.

I know the exact day I discovered that I had a high dislike for both of these words. It was on the day my father died in 2011. I was about 45 minutes away from where my parents lived when I got the call to come home. My father was being transported to the hospital and I needed to get there. While in route I was receiving calls updating me on his condition which did not look good from the start and never got better. By the time I arrived at the hospital, my father had passed away.

Walking into the emergency room area the first person I was taken to was my mother who was clearly upset. Looking up at me, she said to her friends that had gathered to comfort her, "now this right here is my strong daughter. I don't have to worry about her." While I know she meant it as a compliment, that was my cue to straighten my back, dry my tears and take care of business. My sister walked me to the room where my dad was and she and I had a quiet moment with him. She got to cry. I did not. For the week or so preparing for my father's funeral services and after, all I kept hearing was, "you are so strong or I haven't seen you cry yet." Right after his service, one of my coworkers who had attended walked up to me and said, "I don't know how you got through that without breaking down once." Again, I am certain she meant it as a compliment. To me, I was doing exactly what my mother told me to do and what was expected of me.

Today, however, my life and my attitude are very different. I do not want to be viewed as strong or resilient. My wish is that women will stop being given that title by others and stop using it themselves. I do not want to be the person to carry the weight and actions of others just because women are considered strong and resilient. I do not want to be the sole weight bearer of my family or in my relationship because being strong and being resilient is not worth the strain of such a heavy load.

Women are human, not super human. We feel pain, we have hurts and disappointments and we cry...sometimes, a lot from the simple expectation to be strong and resilient during situations when we should be allowed the time and energy to process what has and is happening.

Strong and resilient are two words that I rarely use anymore. I especially do not use them to describe how anyone should be feeling or acting in any given situation. I want those around me to know that their feelings, at any given moment, are valid and I will step out of the way to allow them the space to experience what they need in order to properly heal because healing is the root truth in any situation.